Possums

Ever heard the noise that occurs when a cat and possum face off?

Take... a cat. Grab a white hot flaming poker and simply treat the feline's rectal cavity as though it were a golf club cover to the heated iron rod. I swear to you, this was brutal. I didn't want to look outside for fear of gross emotional scarring.

My reason for raising this is due largely to the fact there is a possum outside right now. To needlessly dump clichés on you, it is the biggest, single most ghetto gang banging possum I have ever experienced. This thing is sporting bling man. I'm talking gold plated skulls of other animals chained around its neck. When it makes that shit noise they all make, the territorial one that is supposed to tell all other possums, cats, bats, children and really weak guys of the raping that will ensue if it's territory is encroached upon, that noise, it sounds like a drive-by outside. Little 'cleft' has me hitting the ground holding my head and shit.

I walked from the car to the front door, past the tree it was just chilling in, the fuzzy testicle called me 'bitch'. I swear! There are people whose job solely revolves around the capture and relocation of nuisance animals. That'd be like watching an episode of Cops. Possum running through the brush screeching "Fuck you pigs!" *gat-gat-gat* Imagine if it was injured? You'd know if it was this one too, in all its ’escapee-Brazilian-wax-strip’ looking glory. It’d be the one with the bandana in gang colours with the gunshot wound screaming PIMP DOWN!!

Possum is out for me man, I can tell. Looking like that tuft of excess hair hanging out a budgiesmuggler. I park my car outside my house at night, I wake up and it looks like a prehistoric animal has shat on it. Excrement bigger than the neighbour’s chihuahua.

My friend from the States said to just get rid of him. Shoot him. Firstly, we laughed at the fact that as an American his first answer to a nuisance was to shoot it. Secondly, this possum looks like a gunshot would just piss him off, but finally, I don’t know if attacking him is a one on one affair. That, to me, is a pretty sizable variable right there. This could be seen as a gangland assassination. You just do not know. Last thing I need is packs of these things messing with me everywhere I go.

Holy Bartender