Applications Rant

Ever applied for a job anyone could do? I mean, the job description has all the hallmarks of your usual job;

    + We're looking for an over qualified, intelligent person with confidence issues willing to do the work of a barely breathing, mindless chode.
    + Must be able to adapt work output levels to adhere to whatever the person/s above you desire at the time, subject to change without notice.
    + Successful applicants would be willing to be dominated by in house politics.
    + Must successfully wear a smile at all times, even when their career is greased up over a barrel with management aiming for penetration. 
    + Must be able to take orders and accept blame quietly.
    + It is essential that applicants work unpaid overtime of a minimum 10 hours per week to be considered.
    + It is essential that applicants have ambition to succeed, exceed and move forward within the company, this will be useful to management when crushing your spirit.
    + Previous applicants are welcome to reapply, our HR  staff take great pleasure in laughing at your attempts to gain stability in your little lives.
    + Previous experiance as a leather-clad gimp an advantage, but not essential for fulfilling this role.

...you know anyone can do it, but you really want that holiday in Europe, and the 50" LCD TV on your wall, and Nissan 350z in the driveway. You apply anyway cause you're internal monologue has turned into a Detroit rapper screaming: "CREAM, GET DA MUNNY, DOLLAR-DOLLAR BILL Y'ALL"

Naturally because you rock the shit, you get to the interview stage and are given front row tickets to the freak show that is, the highest of management from the floor you'll be working on. A pack of people so self important that you struggle harder to keep a straight face than when you were a kid in school and your mate farted loudly during silent reading.

I don't know about you, but I've always had a morbid curiosity for what size stick is wedged firmly up the arse of the head manager. Working for a leading telecommunications company I'm unable to name because they will SUE my ass, has revealed the answer to me. That manager, the poor self-blindingly important manager, has to walk around all day with not only the floor manager, but each of the floor team leaders wedged so far up their ass that you don't know where one ends and the others begin. Sometimes it looks like a kind of.... fucked (for lack of a better word) corporate octopus of self-importance, sliming its way around the office, belaying leave entitlements and general other forms of corporate bastardry. A good friend of mine; writer, editor of www.write-thing.com and from what I hear, cunnilinguistical virtuoso Pip has spoken of the theory that: incompetence is promoted to a level where it can’t do any harm, I am a subscriber to this thought and believe I've seen it in practice. I swear it's rife within the telecommunications industry.

I digress..

You sit there in the center of their pentagonal interview pannel, suited up with positive open body language and posture. You deliver yourself with witt and intelligence. Providing a smooth sales pitch, you answer the questions they fire at you with finesse and lets face it, a certain high level of guile. You even manage to rotate your head 360 degrees to make eye contact with all parties. You all smile, shake hands, leave and wait. An e-mail arrives.

Dear sir/madam,

We at Chumpface, Buck-pass & Fukkingkustomas Telecommunications are writing to you regarding your recent application to the position of Call Centre Monkey.

We received such an overwhelming response to this position and we regret to inform you that you are too good to work with us and are therefore unsuccessful. We fear that one of us will be replaced by you on your way up to becoming regional CEO, a position we believe that a non-chumpface like yourself would obtain within the early hours of your first day.

We wish you good luck in finding a position elsewhere. Anywhere but with us. We cannot have you making us look bad.

Sincerly,

HR Team
ChumpBucknFuk Telco.
Australia
"ChumpBucknFuk Telco., bringing you closer to drastic, violent outbursts."

I'd write a reply asking for more information, threatening law suits on grounds of un-fair practices. The equal opportunity employment act allows people of any gender, colour, background, level of unfathomable awesomeness to have the same opportunity to work.

What do I care, women tip me to see if they can sneak a peek at my tip anyway. Business is GOOOOD too!!

Holy Bartender